As educators, we care deeply. We want students to succeed, parents to follow through, and our classrooms to run smoothly. But sometimes, in our efforts to help, we end up carrying problems that don’t actually belong to us.
Whether it’s chasing down missing homework, smoothing over peer drama, or compensating for a parent’s lack of follow-through — it’s easy to take on more than our share. And while our intentions are good, this habit can slowly drain our energy and keep students from developing the responsibility they need to grow.
The Power of Expectations
At Healing Children, we teach that healthy expectations are the foundation of both boundaries and emotional growth.
When our expectations are too high, we become frustrated when others don’t meet them. When they’re too low, we may tolerate poor behavior or even train others to mistreat us.
Balanced expectations — grounded in self-awareness — allow us to stay calm, consistent, and focused on what’s truly ours to carry.
Who’s Responsible for What?
Every problem, big or small, has a shared set of responsibilities. In our trainings, we use the “10 Units of Concern” model from Healing Parents by Terry Levy and Michael Orlans to help clarify this.
For example, with homework:
- Teacher – 3 units: teaching, assigning, and grading.
- Student – 4 units: taking it home, doing it, doing their best, and turning it in.
- Parent – 3 units: providing a place to work, setting the expectation, and being available if needed.
When everyone does their part, students grow in confidence and competence. But when adults take too much of the load, we unintentionally rob students of ownership and responsibility. As Levy and Orlans remind us: “Adults who take too much responsibility have children who take too little.”
The Cost of Overhelping
When we overstep our role, it doesn’t just exhaust us — it keeps children from developing coping skills, problem-solving abilities, and self-discipline.
In fact, when adults do too much for children, it often leads to hostile dependency—a dynamic in which students become angry or resistant toward the very people trying to help them. They sense that their independence is being taken away, even if they can’t put it into words.
As HeartStories.com beautifully puts it:
“While we’re running around taking care of every little detail, making sure life is not too difficult for others, we are taking away their power, and it’s making them hostile, even if we don’t know it.”
The truth is, boundaries create freedom. When we hand back responsibilities — with calm and confidence — we give others the gift of growth.
When to Step In — and When to Step Back
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we choose to help in ways that actually build strength, not dependency.
Here are a few questions to guide your decision:
- Can you do it without resentment?
- Will this help the person grow or keep them dependent?
- Is this a one-time need or a chronic pattern?
- Are you helping because it’s easier than setting a boundary?
- Is it about a basic need or a skill someone needs to learn?
When we allow children — and adults — to own their responsibilities, they become more confident, capable, and mature. And we become more grounded, calm, and effective in our roles.
Independence Leads to Happiness
Letting go isn’t easy. It can stir up guilt, fear, or discomfort — especially when others don’t step up. But when we allow natural consequences to teach, we foster real growth.
Our job as educators isn’t to rescue students from responsibility, but to walk beside them as they learn it. That’s where healing and maturity begin.
To dive deeper into this topic and learn how to build responsibility through boundaries and empathy, explore our book Healing Discipline: Hope for Shattered Lives and our professional development courses at healingchildren.com. We are also happy to discuss any questions or concerns you might have via phone or email. You can contact us at 1-888-311-1883 or email us at info@healingchildren.com.
Healing Children, LLC. www.healingchildren.com This blog contains copyrighted material used with permission from © (2012-2024) Sharelynn, LLC. All rights reserved. For more information or to obtain permission for use, please contact Sharelynn, LLC at sharelynnllc@gmail.com
