Children who come from early childhood trauma (abuse, neglect, domestic violence, etc.) often do not feel secure in their environment or with adults or peers. It’s like they are always looking for the next shoe to drop or for something else to go wrong. Sometimes they will even test new adults and friends in their life to see what they are made of. They are trying to figure out if you are a safe person. Can they trust you, and can you protect them if the abuser comes back? They haven’t been able to rely on others in the past, so why would they be able to rely on them now? Their brain has been wired to survive.
Sometimes surviving means testing the adults around them.
- Can they get you to believe their lie?
- Can they steal from you?
- What will you do if they constantly interrupt you or break the rules?
- What will you do if they try to touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable?
Why is it important to pass their tests?
As adults, if we allow this behavior, the child thinks, “Well, if I can do this to them, what will they do if the abuser returns?” Or “The abuser took advantage of me, and this adult can’t manage me; they won’t be able to manage the abuser?” This belief then becomes more profoundly entrenched that the world is not safe and they have to take care of themselves. While feeling unsafe, the child is not able to let their guard down. They aren’t able to just be a child where they get to play and learn more about their environment. It also hinders their ability to heal from the traumatic situation and develop the wisdom and maturity that can come from healing.
Why do I need to understand this?
It is essential to understand that this type of testing is typical for children who have suffered from long-term trauma or have attachment concerns. Our job is to recognize when we are being tested and pass the test. When we do this, the child learns the adult is wise enough to see through the misbehavior, and they know how to respond. This wisdom helps the child feel safe and secure. Not only can the adult handle the child’s misbehavior but also has the strength and skills needed to keep the child safe from abusive situations. This gives the child an opportunity to feel safe and protected. Passing the test means we can develop a relationship with the child based on authenticity and transparency. This relationship and feeling of safety can begin the healing experience for the child who has suffered from early abuse and trauma.
To learn more and how to pass the test, watch our podcast: Are your Students Testing You, are you Passing the Test? Take a live course or an on-demand course through NNU (Part 1, Part 2), or purchase our book “Healing Discipline: Bringing Hope to Shattered Lives, A Guide for Educators.” We are also happy to discuss any questions or concerns you might have via phone or email. You can contact us at 1-888-311-1883 or email us at info@healingchildren.com.
Healing Children, LLC. www.healingchildren.com This blog is copyrighted material used with permission from © (2012-2024) Sharelynn, LLC. All rights reserved.
